INSPIRED BY the seemingly equatorial heat tulad ng mainit na isyu involving Ai-Ai de las Alas and husband Jed Salang, perhaps a fun time to lighten everyone’s emotional burden is a necessary coolant.
The following is this writer’s kiyeme-kiyemeng scenario at a presscon called by Ai-Ai complete and replete with believable eksena. Sinadya naming hindi gawing spoof ang exclusive interview ni Boy Abunda kay Ai-Ai sa The Buzz, here goes.
Press: Kapatid, May 2 pa pala nu’ng nagkakaproblema kayo ni Jed, bakit kelan ka lang nagsalita?
Ai Ai: Baket? May pa rin naman ngayon, ah? Ano’ng problema n’yo, eh, ako nga ‘tong may problema?
Press: Kaya nga concerned kami sa ‘yo, kapatid. Hindi na rin kasi bago ‘yang istorya mo, eh.
Ai Ai: Baket, ano bang bago ang gusto n’yo? Na ako naman ang nanghuhuthot sa dyowa ko?
Press: Hindi ‘yon, kapatid. Nu’ng time kasi n’yo ni Miguel Vera, ‘di ba, muntik na nga niyang ihulog sa Magnatech Building? 1990s ‘yon.
Ai Ai: Naalala n’yo pa talaga ‘yon? Eh, ‘di ang ending, naghiwalay rin kami ni Miguel, so satisfied na kayong mga bakla?
Press: So, naniniwala ka na history repeats itself? Battered wife ka rin ni Jed.
Ai Ai: ‘Day, hindi lang kasaysayan ang umuulit. Pati kagagahan! As if naman kayong mga bakla, eh, hindi katulad ko kung magmahal, ‘no!
Press: Depende, kapatid. Kapag may bugbugan na, babu! Hindi namin pinangarap ma-headline na, “Bakla Tinigok Ng Dyowa!” Imagine, tigok ka na nga, pinagtsitsismisan ka pa sa burol mo?
Ai Ai: Sorry, malayong mangyari ‘yon sa akin dahil babae ako, hindi ako bakla!
Press: Kapatid, hindi ka nga bakla pero kababae mong tao, hinuhuthutan ka rin! At proud ka pa, ha?
Tapos na ang presscon, bigayan na ng sobre. Laking gulat ng mga bakla, wala itong laman. Isang reporter ang naglakas-loob lumapit kay Ai Ai, bakit wala raw nakalakip sa sobre?
Ai Ai: Pasensiya na, mga bakla… nahuthot na nang bonggang-bongga!
OF THE four major hosts of Startalk, tanging si Joey de Leon lang ang walang kaugnayan kay Dra. Vicki Belo, business-wise, we mean. Sina Lolit Solis, Butch Francisco at Ricky Lo kasi include in their list of bati the so-called Doctor to the Stars as their way of endorsing her chain of companies.
Nitong Sabado, ipinabasa sa amin ni Tito Joey ang natanggap niyang text message. The sender was not Dra. Belo, but Dr. Calayan. Tinatanong ng kakumpitensiyang cosmetic surgeon ni Belo si JDL if the latter was interested in undergoing stem cell treatment—brace yourselves—for free. Magsadya lang daw ang TV host-comedian sa kanyang clinic.
Kung tutuusin, ang pro bono service na ‘yon would easily entice any celebrity even if he had a million to part with.
“Ayoko, takot ako, eh,” umiiling na sabi ni Tito Joey, “saka ‘di ko naman kailangan, eh. Wala naman ako nararamdaman sa katawan,” although he admitted to having maintenance medicines. Nu’n lang namin na-realize na takot pala sa kung anumang uri ng surgery si JDL.
He went on to share a slice of history, kung kailan by sheer accident ay natuklasang may medicinal property ang vital organ ng isang hayop that worked effectively on an injured soldier during the war. Kalimitang ine-extract daw ang fetus mula sa buntis na hayop, iniihaw at kinakain; but the rest of the enthralls—even the meat—were consumed out of hunger.
IS NIÑO Muhlach staging a comeback? If so, as what, kaibigang Roel Villacorta?
A former child wonder, phenomenal ang rise to stardom ni Onin noong dekada otsenta. Not only was he a favourite co-lead star of many a veteran actor or actress, at a very early age ay naitatag na niya ang kanyang sariling El Niño Films. On the business side, nakapundar siya ng El Niño Apartelle. All these are fruits of his labor.
Undoubtedly a child prodigy, pasintabi sa mga batang artista in the “now” generation, none of them—sadly—has duplicated, much less surpassed the fame of Niño Muhlach.
Sa matagal na panahon ng kanyang pananahimik, what is Niño up to now? Yes, you’re right, Niño returns to the wide screen via Juana C. (The Movie) with Mae Paner. To open on June 5, ang pralala ng kaibigang Roel V., the comedy flick is a breather from all the saddening news in showbiz tulad na lang ng paghihiwalay ni Ai-Ai from her husband of less than a month!
So, that only goes to show na may puwang pa rin sa showbiz si Nino who everybody thought “filed” an early retirement.
Pepperoni
by Ronnie Carrasco III
